Doug's Humor Page


 Take a look at my trip to Alligator Country - Florida!

My favorite jokes are puns and one-liners. Here's a collection I've picked up, mostly from other internet sites. Good e-mail signature tag lines!

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I just got lost in thought.It was unfamiliar territory.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Pardon my driving; I'm reloading.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

"It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others." John Andrew Holmes

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Stephen Wright One-liners

- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

- For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

- Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

- I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

- I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

- Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

- Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

- I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week!

- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

- I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

- If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

- Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

- Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

- Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of

- Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

- Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

- The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

- When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

- Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

- When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

- Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

- I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

- I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

- Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

- How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

- OK, so what's the speed of dark?

- Black holes are where God divided by zero.

- All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

- I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

- I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

- I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

- Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.

- What's another word for "thesaurus"?

- When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

- When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child... eventually.

- I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

- For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

- I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once inawhile I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who

said, "Cut it out!"

- I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

- I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to

see it clearly) ...and says, "Here, you can go."

- I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

- I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out

today." I said "Oops..."

- I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

- I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

- My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.

- I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.

- I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.

- I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

- I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.

- A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll

just be walking down the street and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . oohh,

that's much better.

- I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep

it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.

- I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

- Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

- My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught

him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides. He's in a

minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and chain.

- Hermits have no peer pressure.

- Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories . .

 

 

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

FROM: THE TREES

StoP tHE LogGINg oR wE WiLl coNtInUE To KIll oNe CeleBrITY

EacH WeEK. theRe ARe nO SkIinG "aCciDenTS".

 

Bumper Stickers:

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

There's too much blood in my caffeine system.

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

 

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

Assassins do it from behind.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

 

More Bumper Stickers:

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine." "I love cats . . . they taste just like chicken." "Out of mind. Back in five minutes." "Cover me. I'm changing lanes." "As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools." "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot." "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep." "Montana=97At least our cows are sane." "The gene pool could use a little chlorine." "I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian." "Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT." "It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you." "When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS." "Friends don't let Friends drive Naked." "I took an IQ test and the results were negative." "Where there's a will, I want to be in it." "Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?" "If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?" "Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students." "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better." "Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!" "Forget about World Peace.... Visualize Using Your Turn Signal?"

 

 

 

"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear!" "Give me ambiguity or give me something else." "We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse." "Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot." "He who laughs last thinks slowest." "Always remember you're unique . . . just like everyone else." "Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math." "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes." "Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy." "Consciousness: that annoying time between naps." "i souport publik edekasion." "We are Microsoft. Resistance is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated." "Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home." "3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't." "Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?" "Ever stop to think and forget to start again?" "Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!' ...till you can find a rock." "I like you but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles." "Sex on television can't hurt you=97unless you fall off." "I'm a corporate executive=97I keep things from happening."

 

 

There was a rumor leaked to the Press today.

There is a "UNIBANGER" on the loose in the White House.

ABSURD WARNING LABELS

On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place."

On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water.

On a package of Fisherman's Friend® throat lozenges: Not meant as substitute for human companionship.

On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test.

On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device.

On a cup of McDonald's coffee: Allow to cool before applying to groin area.

On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will replace it for a $2 shipping and a $3 handling charge, for a total of $4.97.

On a refrigerator: Refrigerate after opening.

On a pack of cigarettes: WARNING-The Tobacco Institute has determined that smoking just one cigarette greatly increases your risk of heart attack by making you so incredibly sexy that gorgeous members of the opposite sex surround you night and day, begging for intercourse and wearing you into exhaustion, unless, of course, you have another couple of cigarettes to steady your nerves.

On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake.

On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.

On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony.

On a piano: Harmful or fatal if swallowed.

On a can of Fix-a-Flat: Not to be used for breast augmentation.

On Kevorkian's suicide machine: This product uses carbon monoxide, which has been found to cause cancer in laboratory rats.

On Lyndon LaRouche literature: Mr. LaRouche is a serious political figure and not a paranoid lunatic, and should therefore-Hey, what are you looking at? Quit staring at me.

On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene.

On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms.

On a calendar: Use of term "Sunday" for reference only. No meteorological warranties express or implied.

On Odor Eaters: Do not eat.

On Sen. Bob Dole: WARNING: Contents under pressure and may explode.

On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium.

On a fax machine: WARNING! Never attempt to directly fax anyone an image of your naked buttocks. Always photocopy your buttocks and fax the photocopy.

On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting.

On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only.

On a microscope: Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear.

On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.

On a wet suit: Capacity, 1

And Last: On The Washington Post: Do not cut up and use for blackmail note.

 

 

 

Political section:

With the Clinton sex scandal topping the news, the Washington Post conducted a survey, asking 1000 women if they would sleep with the president. An astonishing 73% replied: "Not anymore!"

Quayle, Gingrich, and Clinton are traveling in a car together in the midwest. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the Land of Oz. They decide to go see the Wizard of Oz. Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain!" Gingrich says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart!" Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?"

 

 

 

 

Some Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy:

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets

fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why

several of us died of tuberculosis.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they

don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some

good ideas.

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is

they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff,

then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What

was THAT?"

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if

they ever press charges.

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been

painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a

child look like a deer.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?

We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is

"God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to

tell him is "Probably because of something you did.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take

my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old

burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He

cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty

good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was

getting pretty late.

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think

liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong,

though. It's Hambone.

Laurie got offended when I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what

her dinner tasted like.

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it

was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And

since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and

give it to him.

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me.

I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and

drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some

trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played

whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called

"Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I

guess some things never leave you.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm

myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell.

When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left

on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's

head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot

better, and no harm done.

I think a mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink

is our friend.

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our

children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says

something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?"

or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!

I remember one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was

coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't

I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made

that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a

toy space helmet. You show up for practice and then either steal the

ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at

in appropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I

thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees

something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's

when I felt the handcuffs go on.

To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something

when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a

hand?," you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

 

Links to (other) humor web pages:

http://www.prismnet.com/~ssor/humor.html 

 Giant list of Steven Wright jokes: http://www.prismnet.com/~ssor/swright.html


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Updated February 27, 2000